“Don’t tell anybody, but…”
We’ve all been there. Someone tells you something deeply personal or even a bit of juicy gossip that you struggle to keep to yourself. Blabbing whatever info you’ve received is clearly wrong, but does that include not being able to tell a spouse?
Spousal Privilege
I’m of the belief that, unless otherwise specified, it doesn’t. For this reason, I don’t tell anyone anything I don’t want their spouse to also know. I’ve also been known to ask people not to confide anything in me they don’t want my husband to know.
Let me clarify here that I’m not talking about telling other people’s secrets to a boyfriend or girlfriend you’ve only known 6 months. But when you’re in a deeply committed relationship with someone– even if it’s a longtime, lifelong partnership without being “officially” married– I expect whatever I say to you to be shared with your significant other. That’s not me giving a green light, per se, but more or less accepting that those of the rules of engagement and that the green light is built in. After all, this person is one with you. You share everything from your secrets to your deepest most innermost feelings. You have an intimacy with this other person you don’t have with me or anyone else on the planet. So, why would I expect you NOT to share a secret I tell you with them?
I’m pretty much known as Fort Knox. You tell me something and it doesn’t go past my lips to anyone else. Often, I will not even utter a word to my husband. This is due mostly to the fact that it’s not something he’d be interested in knowing or that he needs to know. Many times it’s because it just doesn’t come up in conversation between us and isn’t important enough for me to discuss with him, otherwise. There have been times, though, when I have told my husband something tagged a secret if it’s something that is bothering me to keep to myself or it’s something I feel he needs to know or may be able to help a person with.
A Recent Example
Here’s an example, a while ago someone close to us told me they were thinking about moving to our area. They told me not to say anything to anyone else and I agreed. Days later, my husband asked about this person and I mentioned their plans to him since he’s very familiar with the real estate market here and could possibly help the person who is contemplating a move. Now, when the person told me not to say anything, I assumed that applied to other regular people we have in common. These are people who may protest the move or people the person might want to surprise with the move. Never, in my mind, did I think they meant not to tell my husband. Especially since moving here or not moving here wouldn’t be of any interest to him except to help them with relocating if they needed help. Outside of that, the move wouldn’t mean a thing to him.
Well, the next time we were all together, my husband hugged the person and mentioned he’d heard they were considering moving our way. He had some information that may have helped the person with a move, but they immediately got upset and shut the conversation down. For days and weeks later, they accused me of telling secrets, having loose lips, etc. and I just had to accept that because they were right in this instance even though I don’t think I really caused any harm by telling him. It hurt my feelings a little, because I am generally Ft. Knox when it comes to withholding people’s secrets from other people. I just seldom include my husband in “other people”.
It’s How I Was Raised
I’ve always been of the belief that if you tell a person something, you are also telling their spouse. This is how I assess sharing my own secrets with others. The funny thing is that the person who told me about their secretive move is one of my elders and this person is who I learned this from years ago (another reason why I didn’t think keeping their “secret” applied to my husband)! When I was younger, this person characterized secret-sharing between spouses as “pillow talk” and always advised us youngins to be aware of what we share with our girlfriends because of it.
From childhood, this fact is so deeply ingrained in my psyche until I don’t confide anything at all to anyone who is married UNLESS I’m okay with their wife or husband also knowing. There have been things I’ve wanted to share with people, but haven’t because of this. To me, it feels disrespectful to even ask them to keep something from their spouse. Considering the fact that this is the closest person to them in the world, much closer than I am, why would I expect them to prioritize my secrets over the bond they share with their spouse? A bond that’s based on total transparency, sharing and honesty? Even the court system treats spouses differently in that they expect a spouse to know certain things and regard that relationship as being so sacred until even the government can’t force them to divulge each other’s secrets!
Do You Share Secrets With Your Spouse?
So, what do you think? Do the boundaries of a secret preclude a spouse? Or should it be naturally assumed that anything you tell someone will also travel to their spouse? Comment below or let’s continue this conversation on social media where you can tag me @lalalivesonline.
