Daily, I hear Black women plainly state a desire to get married. I also hear these same women complain about a lack of available, good men who are ready to settle down. It would seem that this is a basic supply and demand dilemma and that the simple answer would be to widen the dating pool, right? For some women, broadening one’s dating horizons to include men of other races isn’t a big deal, but to a lot of sistas the concept of interracial love isn’t that easy to embrace. Today, I thought we could spend a little time exploring the idea, assessing where we stand (and why we stand there) and pondering a few questions about interracial love, in general.
Note that, while I understand race is a social construct, for those of us who are Black in America, we also know that it affects our daily lives. Everything from where we live to where we worship and who we marry is influenced to a large degree by race and, specifically, by OUR race. So if you’re not Black American, you’re welcome to read this post, but please don’t waste your time trying to lecture me on being colorblind, abandoning the construct and all that jazz. As Black women, our perspective overrides all others on this topic today and it is our perspective I’m interested in discussing. Whether you understand it or not, this is a conversation between my sistas and myself, period.
Before we begin, I also want to be transparent in stating that I am married to a Black man. I say this because it would feel unfair of me to pretend that I’m exploring the dating scene along with my readers. Any exploration I’m doing is through your eyes, so while I’ll share my own opinions, it is ultimately YOUR opinion that matters most here. My job is just to ask questions and share my humble thoughts in an effort to start a conversation around a complex subject. With all of that out of the way, let’s get started shall we?
5 Questions For Black Women About Interracial Love
1. Should Black Women Expand Their Horizons?
Theoretically, this makes sense. I mean if there aren’t enough willing and available Black men to marry… and you are really ready to settle down… expanding your horizons to include men of other races seems like a no-brainer. Lots of Black women have done so and plenty seem to be quite happy. If you don’t personally know any sistas who’ve explored love with men who aren’t Black, let’s take a minute to recall some of the queens we admire who’ve taken a dip into the interracial dating pool:
Now, I’m not encouraging anyone to all of a sudden turn their attention away from Black men and onto others. I don’t believe in throwing in the towel on Black love, EVER. I’m not even encouraging everyone to include other men in their list of possibilities as this sort of expansion isn’t for everyone. I highlight these women simply to give a little food for thought to those of you who may be open to interracial dating or who are perhaps just a little on the fence about it, but need a little nudge to feel like it’s ok. Plenty of sistas have taken the plunge before you and have even found everlasting love in the process. Might you be next?
2. Are Black Women Really Attracted to Non-Black Men?
Chemistry is everything! People marry for all sorts of reasons– companionship, money, genetics, social status, etc.– but I don’t advise anyone to settle down with someone they don’t have a physical attraction to. And this is why I personally feel a lot of Black women don’t date outside of their race. While we all know race to be a social construct, we also know that there is something different about Black men. To me, they are the most masculine, attractive men on the planet and discovering chemistry with them isn’t as difficult as it is with someone who isn’t Black. I say this as a Black woman who dated a few men outside of my race before I was married and, while I met some nice people, I never felt a physical attraction to any of them. The chemistry just wasn’t there.
Over the years, I’ve talked to other Black women about this and have discovered many who feel the same way. Our men just have a certain essence about them that we are naturally drawn to that other men, no matter how handsome in appearance, just don’t seem to have. Understanding this is one reason why I’ve never gotten upset about White women who date Black men. I get it. If I think our men have a draw that others just don’t, why would I expect other women not to sense that and be attracted to them, too? This leads me to question if the average Black woman finds herself physically attracted to non-Black men, in general? While this may seem like a shallow concern on the surface, it really isn’t. If you’re going to potentially spend the rest of your life with someone, shouldn’t physical chemistry be a base ingredient in your relationship?
Clearly, the sistas named above feel differently and were able to find chemistry with their non-Black men, so it is possible. I also watch a reality show on Bravo called To Rome For Love. The basic premise of the show is to find out if Black American women who’ve been unlucky in love in the states can find love in Italy where the men there are said to have a deep affinity for Black women. It just so happens that recently-divorced celebrity chef Gina Neely is one of the contestants on the show and she, too, maintains never having had an attraction to men who aren’t Black. However, she does find that after getting to know one particular gentleman better and through the course of spending time with him, she begins to feel an attraction which comes as a pleasant surprise to her. I’m only half way through the season, so can’t comment on how deep the attraction is, but she maintains that it’s definitely there. So while you may not initially feel you can be attracted to a man who isn’t Black, perhaps this is just because you’ve limited your thinking and, therefore, your exposure in this area. It’s entirely possible that broadening your dating pool and opening your mind to new prospects may also open the door for chemistry to circulate just a bit more than it has in the past.
3. Given Our History, Can Black Women Embrace White Men as Lovers?
When I talk about dating outside of our race, I’m talking about men from all sorts of cultural backgrounds different from our own. Right here, though, we have to pause and talk specifically about White men because, well, history. This is where it gets really difficult for some Black women because we know that White men have always had free access to Black women. Yes, I’m talking about slavery and rape.
Our foremothers were not just owned by these men, but an untold number of them were also raped, beaten and bore children from these men. Children who were also sold by White men and enslaved by White men. Despite being the children of White men, these children also went on to be raped and tortured by other White men. Historically, White men have been merciless in their treatment of Black women and our children. We have an awful and painful past with these men that other women just don’t share. Yes, other women have been raped and brutalized by White men, but I’m referring to a systematic and inhumane abuse suffered at their hands and one that was completely legal. Not just during slavery were we abused by White men, either, but we had no protection from them during Reconstruction and Jim Crow either, the latter of which only ended in 1964. So many of our mothers and grandmothers suffered at the hands of White men with no social or legal recourse whatsoever and much of that abuse is still fresh in our genetic memories.
To now consider these men as lovers probably feels uncomfortable to some Black women. Beyond mistrust, a few of us may even feel a sense of betrayal not only to our brothers (who also suffered and still do suffer injustices due to race), but to our mothers and grandmothers, as well. Psychologically, this can be a lot to deal with.
I don’t have any encouraging words to offer here. I will only say that broadening your dating pool doesn’t mean you can’t have parameters and if you find too much internal conflict with dating White men, don’t. I don’t care who gets upset with me telling you to exclude them, nor should you care. Do you, sis! There are plenty of other men who aren’t Black and who also aren’t White who can be included in your search efforts and if you don’t entirely feel like you can get beyond the historical trauma that still burdens your heart, do not force yourself to do so and don’t let anyone tell you you’re wrong for not moving beyond those feelings or for not wanting to!
4. Do Finances Factor into Interracial Dating?
Let’s keep it a buck. A lot of us know sistas who date interracially because they seek men they perceive to be more financially stable than the average Black man. They aren’t into interracial dating because they’re interested in dating the Asian guy who works at the corner market, either. No, a lot of Black women deliberately seek non-Black men who have excellent credit scores, the right professional and social connections to increase their wealth, and who can offer a lifestyle they don’t feel can be as easily attained if they were to settle down with a Black man. Yes, I know, this is not only seen as shallow, but it also suggests that Black men can’t offer these things, which they absolutely can. Still, let’s be real here, these are the conversations some of us have had with our sisters when no one else is listening.
So, to what extent should finances enter into the whole interracial dating idea? In my opinion, finances shouldn’t matter as much in your dating life, but they have to be a factor when deciding whom to settle down with. Again, in my opinion, this applies to all men, Black or other. After all, income and net worth will determine how many children you and your future husband can comfortably afford, whether one of you can stay home with your children, what type of education you can finance for your children, the neighborhood you can afford to live in and so on. And while you may earn enough money for this not to be a major concern in dating, everyone’s not that fortunate.
Even if you do earn a nice living, there are other things to consider, such as whether or not your future husband is paying child support or spousal support. He may be a doctor with his own practice, but is he still paying off his student loans? How will his financial obligations affect you, your lifestyle, your family and your credit rating?
So for those of you who think that expanding your dating pool means increasing your chances of finding a man with the means to support the lifestyle you desire, be smart and have plenty of conversations about money before you decide to legally merge your life with someone else. Don’t be shy, either. After all, money is the root of a lot of marital strife. This strife not only leads to divorce for a lot of couples, but it can also even leave you bankrupt with terrible credit in the end.
5. If You Date Interracially, Are you Abandoning Black Men?
I would say the answer to this is no. If you embrace the idea of expanding your dating pool, this doesn’t mean you are excluding Black men. It only means that you aren’t excluding all other men and giving Black men sole access to your heart.
I’ll even go a step further on this question and advise that even if you find love with a man who isn’t Black, do not abandon your brothers. Ever! Romantic involvement isn’t your only connection to Black men, nor should it be.
To this day, our men suffer the devastating effects of slavery, breeding, Jim Crow, unjust imprisonment and all of the other brutalities of White supremacy. Their manhood has been tragically corrupted and they still struggle to survive and thrive in a system that was built to keep them down. Along with us, White supremacy has always worked to keep our men at the bottom of America’s caste system. No matter how much of a social construct race is, White racism is real and has done a number on our men without taking a break for 400+ years. While this corruption has bred plenty of self-hatred, which has caused some of our men to, in turn, hate us, we cannot turn our backs on them.
So, how do you support Black men if you choose to include others in your dating selection? Well, we already talked about not excluding Black men from the process, but even if you ultimately settle down with a non-Black man, never write your brothers off. Continue to maintain platonic and supportive friendships with Black men (along with your spouse, of course), support causes that advocate for Black men, don’t engage in or allow others to engage in conversations singling Black men out for ridicule and continue to love Black men in the same ways you always have…well, without romance, but you get my point!
Final Thoughts on Interracial Love
Intermarriage Has Been On a Steady Rise
As society progresses, many of us have shed some of the more ridiculous social mores of the past and interracial marriages have steadily increased in recent years. If you’re longing to get married and start a family and you haven’t had much luck in your limited dating pool of Black men, stepping beyond socially-defined color lines just makes sense. In doing so, you can exponentially increase your chances of falling in love and finding someone who is perfect for you.
Respect is Still Warranted
Taking the racial and cultural restrictions off may not be for all our sistas and while that’s perfectly fine and to be respected, I do think that that respect should flow both ways. Ladies, I just want to insert a reminder here that just because interracial dating isn’t for YOU, doesn’t mean we should criticize others for taking a different path to love. And, brothas, I especially want to urge you to be as respectful to your sisters who date interracially as you are to your brothers who do so. Just keeping it real. You’ve been silent on them dating interracially forever, so don’t come for us when we do it, okay?! Whether it’s your cup of tea or not, we are still family and a lot of you can be very harsh and judgmental toward Black women who expand their dating pool. Please stop. No matter who we love, it’s important for us to stick together and, at the very least, respect how we choose to live our personal lives.
Dogs Come in Every Color and Breed
Interracial dating does not guarantee that you will find your prince and ride off into the sunset together. To offer one more cliche, you’ve still got to kiss a few frogs first. Don’t let your guard down and think that “other” men won’t do you dirty like maybe some (not all) Black men have in your past. Stay woke to the games and don’t settle for any kind of treatment during the dating phase that you aren’t willing to endure for the long haul. Moving beyond your comfort zone isn’t license to abandon your common sense!
Black Men Don’t Seem to Struggle With it Like We Do
For the most part, Black men have always been open to interracial pairings. The attraction between Black men and White women is part of the very foundation of America’s racial construct. Without going too deep into a history lesson on this country’s race problem, it’s a documented fact that before White people and Black people began being separated by labels (and all that accompanied those labels), laws were enacted in 1664 Maryland to forbid European women from marrying men of African descent. This, because there were so few women in the colonies and most of those who were there were expressly imported for the purposes of marrying and breeding with European landowners in order to start this new society. However, upon arrival, these women found themselves more attracted to African and Native men to the point where they had to be threatened with harsh punishments, which included things like forced labor or deportation, just to ensure they would choose European men!
It’s not just White women that some Black men flock to, either. Right now, especially in hip-hop circles, a lot of Black men also have a strong preoccupation with Latina women. While I’m aware that Latina doesn’t necessarily mean non-Black, I’m also aware that many of the women these men place in their videos and sport as arm candy don’t claim to be of the Afro-Latin variety. Nothing is intrinsically wrong with a Black man dating a non-Black woman, but the problem lies in the fact that many of these men do so at the exclusion of Black women. Yes, many of them have no shame in saying they want no parts of a Black woman…especially if she’s got dark skin.
We aren’t Black men, though. Given our history, our natural proclivities and a lot of outside social factors, we don’t step outside of our dating comfort zones like Black men (and other people in general) often do. But that’s the purpose of this post. After giving it some strong thought, maybe some will have a change of heart. And if you don’t, that’s ok, too, but it’s an idea that’s at least worth exploring, right?
Intercultural Dating – An Alternative For Those Who Want to Stick With Black Men
Some of us, no matter what, will just always choose Black men when given the option to do so. Bear in mind, however, that Black doesn’t have to mean African-American. So, if you aren’t ready to date an Asian, Indigenous or even a White guy, at least consider broadening your horizons to include Afro-Latin, Jamaican or various African men from other countries. The world is full of different cultures and men of various hues. Far too often though, as Black women, we restrict ourselves to African-American men because we lack awareness of other cultures or dislike some of the (often incorrect) ways other cultures have been portrayed. Those awful stereotypes have even kept us from exploring options with other men of color, many of which are attracted to us and interested in expanding their dating pools, as well.
Your Thoughts
So, what do you think about dating a man who isn’t Black or who is, but isn’t of your culture? Have you done it? Are you currently in an interracial or intercultural relationship? Are you completely turned off by the idea? Or have you been on the fence about doing so and have your own concerns that weren’t covered here? I’m interested in hearing your thoughts on the matter, so please post them in the comment well below or feel free to continue the conversation on social media by tagging @lalalivesonline on Twitter or Instagram.
