Like online dating, there was a time when people scoffed at social media friendships. Creating a personal rapport with people you’ve never met in person just wasn’t cool and definitely not something to be taken seriously. As we spend more time on social media and various web forums, however, that is changing. At least it is for me and I rather like it.
Friendships and Phases
I adore my real-life friends, many of whom I’ve known for 3 or 4 decades. All of us have very busy lives and getting together or even settling in for a phone call to catch up isn’t always the easiest or most convenient thing to accomplish. Despite this, there are times you want to just shoot the shit and talk about things you’re into, which may range the gamut from politics to reality television.
Then there are the friendships where you will always love each other, but you’ve just grown in different directions. You have so little left in common that trying to hang out or even just have a regular phone conversation doesn’t bring quite the same satisfaction it once did. After the initial phase of asking how everyone’s doing, there’s not a whole lot left to talk about.
When you’re done with school, raising children and working for others, forging new friendships isn’t the easiest thing to do. For introverted types, it’s not even something you’re sure you even want to do, which is why Internet friendships matter. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes encounter “issues” with making new friends. Yes, I meet people I vibe with at various functions and we have a good time together. I’m very sociable when I’m in that mode, but I’m not always in that mode.
See, I like to be alone and do my own thing or just hang out with select family members most of the time. But when I meet new people, they don’t always understand this. My husband laughs and says people are deceived by my warm, friendly, outgoing nature they are attracted to at our first meeting. He says they think they’ve found a new best friend, but that they don’t know I won’t even answer the phone when they call me in a week. I don’t think that’s funny at all and I used to get annoyed at his teasing. And then I had to admit that he’s right. Ouch, that really hurt!
This is where social media friendships come in and why they are becoming increasingly important in my life.
In fact, here’s 5 reasons why I’ve grown to appreciate them over the years:
1. No Invites
I’m not the social-butterfly I once was. There was a time when I was at every party and special event I was invited to. As I’ve gotten older, though, and my proximity to said events has lengthened (I live at least 2-3 hours from everyone I know), I have little to no interest going to 90% of the things I’m invited to. Of course, I go out of my way for very close friends and relatives, but other friends have been frustrated by my no-shows. I hate that, but I hate going to things I’m not interested in even more. My social media friends live far, far away and so I’m seldom invited to their events. Even when I do get a random invite, it’s more of a “if you’re in town or want to fly in to celebrate with me, here are the details” type invites. No pressure and just my style!
2. Common Interests
Friendships are ignited by shared interests and experiences. You go to the same school, you travel in the same circles, work in the same space, your children are on the same team… that sort of thing. When you don’t share a whole lot outside of these interests, people you were aces with at one time, begin to fade away because you just don’t live the same lives anymore. Sure, sometimes you connect on a deeper level and find more things in common which sustains the friendship. For a lot of friendships though, the love may always be there, but the thrill is gone.
This is where social media friendships rock the hardest. You meet over a common interest– some major and some minor– and you dive in from there. They’re like snacks you have a craving for. Want something salty? There’s my homegirl on Twitter who can relate. Want something sweet? I can WhatsApp my friend on another continent for that. Something spicy? Let me tell you, that private Instagram group chat is pure fire!
I often have conversations of real substance online, too. Most of the time this is with random strangers who I never keep in touch with, but it’s nice to also have substantive conversations with people you have an ongoing relationship with. Whether in real life or online, I tire of surface stuff pretty quickly and small talk just isn’t my thing, so jumping right into the deep stuff works for me. More often than not, these conversations involve a keyboard, but even when they’re on the phone or on a videochat, I love a passionate conversation with some other thick-skinned soul who isn’t afraid of their own opinions and that of others.
This is especially helpful for those conversations polite people just don’t want to have. For example, I spend a lot of time reading on Quora and share a lot of my own opinions about race and other topics there, too. In real life, people only want to go so deep with these conversations– as well as religion or politics– before they feel they’ve waded too far, emotions are beginning to flare and they want to reel it back. As frustrated as I get with Quora at times, it serves a purpose and I have a number of acquaintances there who get me and vice versa.
A huge plus in the common interest area is having online friends who also work from home. In real life, most people can’t relate to my sitting at home making a living behind a computer’s screen. Heck, most aren’t even sure about what I actually do, lol. That’s okay, of course, but it’s also nice to have a handful of Internet acquaintances who understand what I’m talking about when I mention SEO or complain about clients who scope-creep or even just the constant marketing efforts required to keep a freelance writing business going. Oooh and rates! Talking behind the scenes with freelance friends about what to charge for what services is invaluable.
3. Relaxed and Easy
As deep as some of our conversations can get on social media, the relationships remain very relaxed and easy. No pressure to reply right away. Check in from time-to-time by email or text if you haven’t heard from one another or maybe even a phone call at a scheduled time that’s convenient for both of you. There’s no, “why haven’t you called me in 3 weeks?” or hurt feelings when life gets too busy to keep in touch. This is perhaps one of the greatest things I love about the real-life friends I’ve remained close with for decades. We don’t have to have constant communication, yet can pick up months later just where we left off and everyone’s fine with that. Even if it’s a quick “was thinking about you” text, everyone’s happy. My social media friendships are very similar, which fits my comfort zone to a tee.
4. Not Too Close
I make friends easily, but my best friends are people I knew in my teens and 20s and we’ve been through some trials together since them. No shade to newer friends, but to be close to me means we’ve built some equity up over many years, tears, experiences and even a few disagreements. We’ve persevered and endured and decided this bond is too important to ever lose. I don’t have that with everyone, nor do I want to.
Unfortunately, I’ve had the experience where I’ve met people in real life and in less than 30 days, they’re introducing me as their best friend! WTF!!!??? I never knew I was a commitment-phobe before the first time this happened to me, but nothing makes me cool my heels faster than someone labeling our friendship in this way without any of the aforementioned equity or any sort of mutual agreement. Yes, that’s probably no big deal to most people, but it completely freaks your girl out!
That’s never an issue with my Internet-based friendships, though. There’s a mutual understanding that we’re cool, but we’re not besties, nor are we trying to be. I also love that none of my social media homies ever tries to get too close into my personal life and vice versa. We share what we want to and no one questions or pries any further. I’m a very private person who doesn’t mind exposing bits and pieces of myself and my life at certain times to certain people, but I don’t like people to press me and I don’t press others about their business. In real life, I’ve met people who want to know everything about me, my marriage, my family, etc. within the first hour of meeting me. Even if it’s weeks or months later, I just can’t handle nosey people and too many personal questions. Even when people have the best intentions (and are just trying to build with me), I’m turned off by that sort of behavior.
5. Introvert-Friendly
For an introvert like myself, online friendships just work. What I’ve found is that most of the people I connect with online are people who are also quite introverted, so we get each other on some unspoken, relatable levels. See, I’m that person who can be Chatty-Cathy on the phone for hours one day and then I don’t want to talk to anyone at any length for a week. Same in person (which is why my husband teases me). I’m all talkative, smiling and friendly in person– and I love to party with good people– but that’s not who I am on the daily. In my daily life, I like peace and quite most of the time. Solitude and being alone with my thoughts is something I value to the utmost. This is how I recharge. When I can’t do this, especially when it’s because of people not wanting to allow me this time, I can get real abrasive or aloof and just shut down. When people don’t understand this, they are hurt. This makes me feel bad and it’s something I do try to work on, but it’s still who I am. Recognizing this has made me, at times, be somewhat apprehensive around new people the moment I sense they may want more.
About 10 years ago, my mom talked to me about this and I’ve tried to remember her advice. I was feeling a way about a friend I cared about, but who I no longer wanted to hang out with. There was nothing wrong with this person, but neither of us belonged anymore to the social group where we’d originally met and I’d moved on. This friend still wanted to talk on the phone about other people in our former group, which I just wasn’t interested in doing. This friend also wanted to get together and do couple things with my husband and I, which my husband definitely wasn’t going to make the time to do. Even when it came to one-on-ones, my life was moving in another direction and long lunch conversations and shopping just weren’t my thing at that time. I started avoiding this person’s phone calls hoping the message would be clear, but they kept calling and even leaving me these long voicemail messages about their feelings about my silence.
I felt awful and confided as much to my mom. Always the straight-shooter, she told me to stop leading people on. She compared me to a man who likes a woman until he gets what he wants and then tires of her and leaves her alone. Whereas a man like this isn’t a bad person, he should be kind enough not to lead women on and to only date those who aren’t looking for anything serious. She said I’m the same way with people. I’m all supportive, friendly and talkative with people who are looking for a lifelong best friend, but that since I know I’m not trying to be their best friend, I need to chill and not give people the wrong impression from the beginning. I hadn’t realized I was doing that, but she was absolutely right.
Maybe it’s the introvert in them, too, but when it’s time to move on, my Internet friends know this and it’s no big deal. To date, no one’s feelings have been hurt and we’re all still cool when we run into each other online. Like the old saying goes, some friendships are for a reason, others are for a season and others are for a lifetime. Being in my 50s, I think I’m set on those lifetime friends, but the reason and season friends are also important and not everyone understands this.
Social media friends are different, though. No matter how deep or personal we go with our sharing, no one ever seems to linger past a particular life-phase. This doesn’t mean that we’ll never talk again, just that when regular conversation is no longer necessary the texts and private messages stop and the phone doesn’t ring. We’ll always have those random “just wanted to say hi” DMs and texts, but there’s no expectations, on either end, about how often we’ll talk after that.
The One Who Got Away
Geesh, every time I say I’m going to write a short post about something, seems like I drone on forever, lol. But these are the top 5 reasons why social media friendships fit my personality and my lifestyle. To date, I’ve only had one bad experience with an Internet friendship. It didn’t crash and burn or anything like that, the person just suddenly disappeared into thin air. We weren’t all that close, but we’d been close enough to get to the telephone stage and all of a sudden one day a group of us just stopped hearing from this person. It was a bit worrisome and, seemingly, out of character to the point where a few of us checked hospitals and morgues for her name after not hearing from her for a few weeks. I knew where her husband worked, but I never said anything about that to our group since contacting him would’ve just been too much. Clearly, she didn’t want to be bothered with us and even though nothing happened as far as anyone could tell, she was done. Whereas she and I had been the closest of all, it was something I had to accept even though I do still think about her from time-to-time and offer a silent prayer that she is doing well.
Overall, though, my social media friendships have been great. They serve a purpose and are just my stride. Yes, there are days when I can’t find a coffee mate and I wish someone was nearby just to hang out, but since I can’t take people off the shelf and put them back on when I want to, it’s probably best that my Internet friends aren’t too close by, lol.
What About Your Friends?
Do you have any meaningful, yet platonic and Internet-based relationships in your life? What do you like and dislike about these friendships? Feel free to share this post with your friends and leave me a comment below or find me on Instagram and Twitter @lalalivesonline where we can continue the conversation there.
